The Call to Stay

As most of you know, and if you don't then you've never read my blog, I love Japan. Like, I really love Japan. I never thought that I would fall in love with it like I did. I mean, after all, it took me three years of hearing the Father's call before I actually got my butt in motion to get where He wanted me, and once He got me there I didn't want to leave. I guess that's why I just don't understand why I'm not called back. (Keep in mind I got the call to stay long before I knew that iGo wasn't going back to Tokyo). I wanted so desperately to go back and do 5ME, eat sushi, and ride trains all over the place. I just wanted to go back.

In fact, I wanted to go back so bad that I had convinced myself that I was called. I even sent out my reference forms and began filling out my application. It was as I was filling out the application that I began feeling weird about going back. Not so much "bad', but I didn't have a peace about filling out the application. Surely I was mistaken, I knew that I was called back. Didn't I? I guess I didn't.

At first, I thought maybe I was making things up, or I was being called to a different area, maybe even the Extreme Trip, but I was wrong again. After a few days of prayer and prayer and more prayer, I finally realized that I was called to stay. I always thought that God having to tug on my heart for three years before I actually listened to the call to go was hard--but the call to stay was even harder. I don't understand why the Father would call me for such a long time, allow me to go, fall in love with the people, and then I get back and He doesn't want me to go back. I guess I'm just so confused. I don't know where He wants me to be next year, I just know that it is not Tokyo, Japan.

I became so confused that I quit praying for Japan. I quit praying for my trek group. I quit constantly praying like I had been. Instead of seeking God for guidance in this time of confusion, I've started to pull away. This is something that I am not okay with. I know that I'm not supposed to go to Japan. As of right now, I don't really feel called anywhere. Maybe He just wants me to live for Him here. Like I should be. What happened to that? Maybe I need reminding that THIS is my mission field. Maybe I need to fall in love with the American people, and quit passing by people everyday without ever looking at a face. Maybe He just needs to use me here. So I should be okay with that, right? Why do I feel like I'm not? I feel like I've fallen right back into where I was before I went to Japan--and this is not okay. I want to spend my life in constant prayer, spending time with my Savior, making His name known. NOT mine.

I know that this blog is kind of all over the place so in closing; I'm not called back to Asia, I'm confused, and my prayer life is suffering--therefore my walk is weakening, and I am not okay with this.

So, if you're reading this, please say a prayer for me. I need to feel the warm loving embrace of my Savior, and that can't happen if I won't allow Him too. Pray that I will know what He wants me to do and have peace about that. Pray that my heart for Japan won't go away, but that my heart my grow for the American people and to be happy where I am. Pray that my love for the Father will guide everything I do. Just pray.

I love you guys.