.jpg)
Or at least I think it's Culture Shock. I know that most people have it when they go to a different country, but they warned us that it could happen when we home. I didn't think it would happen to me--I mean, I'm an American. I love America. So why isn't my heart here? I don't want to be here. I want to be in Japan.
I've only been home for a week. Exactly a week. And already I can't stand being away from Tokyo. I miss not understanding a word people are saying, and I miss the silence, oh how I miss the silence. Most of all, I miss the uninterrupted peaceful time in my Father's presence. I'm just so busy in America. In Japan I could be still--even if it was just at night. I was in the presence of my Father, and now I feel so distant. I feel so angry. I feel so irritable. If somebody doesn't understand something that I'm saying right off the bat, I want to yell at them. Sometimes, well most of the time, I don't even want to talk. I just want to sit and be silent, and when someone talks to me I bite their heads off. Why am I so irritable? Where did my joy go? Shouldn't I be spreading HIS joy--not MY anger? Why am I so wrapped up in myself and my heartache, that I can't see and comfort the heartache of those around me? What happened to me being His hands and feet?
It took me less than a week to fall back in to my old pattern of all about me. And that infuriates me. I'm so stuck on where I want to be that I'm not even thinking about where the Father wants me to be. And that infuriates me. I'm just so angry and aggravated that I've been driven to tears multiple times. This is not okay. I don't want to be so wrapped up in Japan and what God is doing there that I completely surpass what He is doing here in Texas. I don't want to forget Japan either. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock being my heartache, the hard place being my attitude. See a pattern? It all revolves around me. This, also, is NOT okay.
Father,
I long desperately to be in Japan. I don't want to be in Midlothian, TX. God, change that. Help me to be content in every situation that I am placed in. Bring me Your peace and Your joy. Change my attitude and allow it to be more like yours. I want people to notice a difference in me so that I can point to You. I can't do that if my attitude sucks. Father--it's not about me. It's not about what I want--it's about being where you want me. Right now, I know that you've called me to be here. So, here I am. Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory.
Girlfriend... you are not alone. This is how I feel often. How can I be soo in love with the Father and have a desire for some to know all about Him but then when someone angers me I yell, scream and say hateful things to them? Basically.. I do not act like a christian. However, I am doing a Beth Moore study and one of her questions yesterday was "how can we have a heart and mind like Christ?" I said just engulf myself in the Word, be in constant conversation with the Lord and surround myself with people that are uplifting. But after reading your entries I believe that also being excited about the Lord and wanting to be silent, still and then go out and share about Him is so vital as well!! You will be fine... don't fall into the lies that you are failing. The fact that you are being convicted of these things shows that you are a whole lot closer to our Beloved than you are giving yourself credit for!! Love you!
ReplyDelete