Oh High School.

In High School, I had five best friends. The six of us did everything together, even fight. Today, I speak to one of them. This is not okay.

These five girls knew absolutely everything about me. Everything that is, except my heart for the Lord. Why is that you ask? I wish that I knew. We talked about EVERYTHING--everything except Christ. At 17, I was the biggest chicken when it came to following Christ. I mean, I did everything I was supposed to and avoiding everything I was supposed to, but I hardly ever spoke His name to anyone, my friends included. I had a judgmental heart, and a cocky attitude, and no room for Christ in conversations with my friends. Because of all these things I had built up in my heart above the Father, I chose the let my friendships suffer. Anytime something went wrong, I would either try to fix it on my own, or shun them because I was a "better Christian" than them. I mean, SERIOUSLY Reagan?! I was so far off from what I was supposed to be doing and how I was supposed to be living, but my ego refused to let me see that. In college, I tried to maintain contact with these girls for the first year or so, but slowly, one of them would do something I didn't like and I would just let them drop off the face of the Earth without fighting for them or my friendship with them at all. I would become so angry with them because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do that I just let them run away from me as fast as they could and I did nothing about it.

This morning, while I was driving back from Sonic, God hit me HARD with this revelation. It was never THEIR fault that our friendships didn't work, it was mine. I should have loved them unconditionally with the love of the Father, but because I wasn't taking the time to KNOW the love of the Father, I couldn't do that. Granted, I didn't agree with some of the choices they were making, but instead of trying to talk to them in love, I let them go. Today, I realized that my heart is so hardened against them that I began to cry. I let my wants and pride get in the way, when I should have been so consumed with the love of the Father that I had no choice but to love them. I've been living with guilt about how I've treated them, and been thinking constantly about what I could do to change it or fix it. Truth is though, there's nothing I can do about the past, as much as I wish I could. All I can do is continue to fall more in love with the Father and let Him continue to stir my affections for Him and change my heart.

I can't believe how far I've come since then in my walk with the Father. Granted, I am NO WHERE near where I need to be or want to be, but I'm growing. At least, I can see these things in myself now and am able to love my friends instead of lose them. My pride is still huge, but God is tearing down walls in my life that are revealing who He wants me to be and, that, I LOVE. I know that the Father has shown me this today so that He can began breaking down my hardened heart and replacing it with a heart of love, a heart of His love.

I know this may not make much since to y'all, but I felt the need to write it. I hadn't blogged in a while, and this hit me this morning so I felt the need to write it down so that I'll remember it.

I wasn't perfect then. I'm not perfect now. I'm a work in progress, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Call to Stay

As most of you know, and if you don't then you've never read my blog, I love Japan. Like, I really love Japan. I never thought that I would fall in love with it like I did. I mean, after all, it took me three years of hearing the Father's call before I actually got my butt in motion to get where He wanted me, and once He got me there I didn't want to leave. I guess that's why I just don't understand why I'm not called back. (Keep in mind I got the call to stay long before I knew that iGo wasn't going back to Tokyo). I wanted so desperately to go back and do 5ME, eat sushi, and ride trains all over the place. I just wanted to go back.

In fact, I wanted to go back so bad that I had convinced myself that I was called. I even sent out my reference forms and began filling out my application. It was as I was filling out the application that I began feeling weird about going back. Not so much "bad', but I didn't have a peace about filling out the application. Surely I was mistaken, I knew that I was called back. Didn't I? I guess I didn't.

At first, I thought maybe I was making things up, or I was being called to a different area, maybe even the Extreme Trip, but I was wrong again. After a few days of prayer and prayer and more prayer, I finally realized that I was called to stay. I always thought that God having to tug on my heart for three years before I actually listened to the call to go was hard--but the call to stay was even harder. I don't understand why the Father would call me for such a long time, allow me to go, fall in love with the people, and then I get back and He doesn't want me to go back. I guess I'm just so confused. I don't know where He wants me to be next year, I just know that it is not Tokyo, Japan.

I became so confused that I quit praying for Japan. I quit praying for my trek group. I quit constantly praying like I had been. Instead of seeking God for guidance in this time of confusion, I've started to pull away. This is something that I am not okay with. I know that I'm not supposed to go to Japan. As of right now, I don't really feel called anywhere. Maybe He just wants me to live for Him here. Like I should be. What happened to that? Maybe I need reminding that THIS is my mission field. Maybe I need to fall in love with the American people, and quit passing by people everyday without ever looking at a face. Maybe He just needs to use me here. So I should be okay with that, right? Why do I feel like I'm not? I feel like I've fallen right back into where I was before I went to Japan--and this is not okay. I want to spend my life in constant prayer, spending time with my Savior, making His name known. NOT mine.

I know that this blog is kind of all over the place so in closing; I'm not called back to Asia, I'm confused, and my prayer life is suffering--therefore my walk is weakening, and I am not okay with this.

So, if you're reading this, please say a prayer for me. I need to feel the warm loving embrace of my Savior, and that can't happen if I won't allow Him too. Pray that I will know what He wants me to do and have peace about that. Pray that my heart for Japan won't go away, but that my heart my grow for the American people and to be happy where I am. Pray that my love for the Father will guide everything I do. Just pray.

I love you guys.

Hip-Hop Green School Rocks

Last year at Super Summer, I was a Yellow School TL. I thought that was the best summer of my life. That's what I get for thinking. Granted, I did meet one of my best friends ever, and have two of the best deans, but last year at Super Summer was not the best summer of my life, I just thought it was.


Ever since Super Summer ended last year, I had been pleading with God to be in Yellow School again. That's all I wanted--just to be a Yellow School TL, well any color really, any color BUT Green. I know that this may sound strange, but for reasons I won't state here, I had zero desire to be in Green School. I just knew that if I was a Green School TL that I would be miserable the whole week and I wouldn't grow any closer to God. I wanted so strongly not to be in Green School, that when I got the e-mail telling me that I was, I cried. That's right--21 years old and I cried because I didn't get the color I wanted. That's how wrapped up I was in myself and my plans for my summer, at no point did it cross my mind that this is where the Father wanted me, and He wanted me there for good reason.


It was this year at Super Summer, in a color and situation that I did not want to be in, that God punched me in the face with how much I idolize myself. I have spent the last 21 years of my life, vainly attempting to be glory to myself for being a "good Christian". WOW. Are you kidding me? I was so wrapped up in doing the right thing and saying the right thing and acting perfectly great when I was nowhere close because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Instead of that bringing glory to my Father though, I allowed people to glorify me for it. People would compliment me on my great attitude, my joyful heart, or my positive outlook, and I would gratefully accept it. Allowing my head to grow larger and larger and letting zero glory go to my Father. I would pride myself on being able to hold things in and being "tough". I would pride myself on my five minute quiet times because, hey, at least I was reading my Bible--that was way better than most people. I would pray before I went to sleep, sometimes before I ate, and I would pray with my friends that were hurting, and I thought that was stinkin' awesome. My friends would ask me for scripture references and I would be glorified in the fact that I knew them, but where was Christ in all of this? He was in the little corner of my heart that I stored Him away in until I needed Him for something. I never let Him come out, so that I could bring Him glory. It was all about me. Me. Me. ME.


God has this awesome way of speaking to me through music--I know He does that with a lot of people--but it's a special way for me to come closer to my Father and shut the whole world out, a way for me to stand before Him and actually listen to what He has to say. It was during amazing music that God hit me over the head. At Super Summer, we sang this amazing song called Glory to God Forever by Fee. It was this song that Christ used to give me a major wakeup call that I desperately needed. At first, when the song came on I was just singing along like I normally do, but it was when we got to the second verse that God really opened my heart to the song. The second verse says, "Creator God you gave me breath so I could praise Your great and matchless name all my days"--it doesn't say "God you gave me breath so that I could praise myself"--it says to praise His name. That's when it hit me. When was the last time that I praised His name and not my own? I couldn't even remember. That's how long it had been. We talked about God's glory all week long, and sang that song multiple times, and every time I began to understand more and more about the Father and His glory. It was in Rainbow, and in our Green School sessions, that the Father revealed to me His glory and the fact that everything in this world is for His glory. Never in scripture does it say that glory is to go to Reagan, but hundreds of times it says that Glory goes to God. Every single thing. All glory was and is intended for Him. The Father is Creator of all--and He is glorified in every thing. Even if we don't cry out to Him the rocks will! That's how amazing He is! That the rocks will even claim His glory!!


If I would have shut down just because I wasn't put in the school that I wanted, then I would have completely missed the Glory of our Father! How selfish I have been! All glory goes to God forever!




For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.Romans 11:36




Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory.
Romans 15:7




All glory to the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, forever. Amen.
Romans 16:27




So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthian 10:31




With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God I will give glory to your name forever!
Psalm 86:12




It's not about me. It never was and it never will be. I'm merely His hands and feet so that others may know Him and we all may give Him the glory He deserves! Praise the Father for He is good and perfect and glorified! Thank you God that you are God and I am not!

Is Good Enough?

At Super Summer every year, we have "prayer time" every night with a small group of kids on our hall. This is really just a time to do a head count and make sure that everyone is where they are supposed to be, and as a TL, that's exactly the way I looked at it. Until last year. Last year at Super Summer, I was roommates with Stephanie--which by the way was one of the biggest blessings of my life! Anyway, every night, Stephanie not only spilled her heart and her love for our Savior to the awesome girls in our prayer group, but she also spilled it all out to our Father. The first night she prayed, I was super intimidated. I realized real quick that this strange blonde girl loved Jesus way more than I did, and because of that thought inching it's way into my mind, I never prayed in our prayer group, I always let Stephanie do it. These thoughts of intimidation and my weak spirit were something that Satan planted in my head to try and make me believe that my love for Christ was way too small, these thoughts that the Devil had intended for his purposes, God turned into His great and mighty purposes.

That's super confusing. If you're still with me, mad props. I promise it's about to get better. I think.

Okay--so every night Stephanie was praying. Got that much? Awesome. 

It was during her prayers every night that God really begin to stir in my heart, and hit me over the head with His voice. He was taking those thoughts that were planted in my head and morphing them to make me realize who He is. Okay so--every time Steph prayed, she would claim "God you are good and you are perfect" and the first few times I heard it, I just kind of brushed it off as something that people say in prayers. Until God hit me over the head with the fact that He is GOOD. I know that we go around all the time saying "Our God is good"--but have any of us ever really thought about what exactly that means? I know I sure hadn't. In the garden, when Adam and Eve sinned, we became a fallen world. We all know that. What we don't think of though is that the world was GOOD, and then it turned BAD. I mean, okay, maybe that's how we teach small children about the Bible, but do we ever stop and think of it as that way? When was the last time that you stopped and said, "Wow, God you are so incredibly good!"--and actually meant it? 

When we say that God is good, we need to realize that He is the ONLY good thing. That's right. They only thing in our lives that is good. I think that we, as believers, have decided that the word "good" isn't great enough to describe our God. We have to have songs about how "awesome" and "fantastic" and "great" our God is. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like those are bad adjectives, but what's wrong with our God just being good? That's how God even describes Himself and His work in the Bible. When did it become "uncool" or "not good enough" to describe God as good? If that's how He describes Himself, why is it not good enough for us to describe Him like that?

The truth is, that we have gotten so caught up in singing the right songs, and saying that right things, that we have forgotten the straight up truth. And that truth is that God is Good and God is Perfect. I know, that for me anyway, claiming He is good is one of the main things that constantly reminds me who He is. 

I know that, if you read all that, you're either confused, or sick of the word "good", but I feel like I just needed to vent a little bit, and remind myself that our Father is good and He works for the good of those who love Him. If it hadn't of been for Satan trying to tear me down last summer, I never would have heard the Father speak to me through Steph, and for that He is good. His love is good. His hope is good. His comfort is good. I'm in love with  the Creator of the Universe and that itself is stinkin' awesome, but the good thing is that He loves me too. 

Father, You are good and You are perfect! I thank you so much for that! I thank you that you speak to me when I least expect it, and that you love me regardless of my weak spirit. God, make me strong in You, so that I may scream your goodness to the ends of the Earth!

If you read all that and are super duper confused, I'm sorry. :)

So This is Culture Shock...?

Or at least I think it's Culture Shock. I know that most people have it when they go to a different country, but they warned us that it could happen when we home. I didn't think it would happen to me--I mean, I'm an American. I love America. So why isn't my heart here? I don't want to be here. I want to be in Japan.

I've only been home for a week. Exactly a week. And already I can't stand being away from Tokyo. I miss not understanding a word people are saying, and I miss the silence, oh how I miss the silence. Most of all, I miss the uninterrupted peaceful time in my Father's presence. I'm just so busy in America. In Japan I could be still--even if it was just at night. I was in the presence of my Father, and now I feel so distant. I feel so angry. I feel so irritable. If somebody doesn't understand something that I'm saying right off the bat, I want to yell at them. Sometimes, well most of the time, I don't even want to talk. I just want to sit and be silent, and when someone talks to me I bite their heads off. Why am I so irritable? Where did my joy go? Shouldn't I be spreading HIS joy--not MY anger? Why am I so wrapped up in myself and my heartache, that I can't see and comfort the heartache of those around me? What happened to me being His hands and feet?

It took me less than a week to fall back in to my old pattern of all about me. And that infuriates me. I'm so stuck on where I want to be that I'm not even thinking about where the Father wants me to be. And that infuriates me. I'm just so angry and aggravated that I've been driven to tears multiple times. This is not okay. I don't want to be so wrapped up in Japan and what God is doing there that I completely surpass what He is doing here in Texas. I don't want to forget Japan either. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock being my heartache, the hard place being my attitude. See a pattern? It all revolves around me. This, also, is NOT okay.

Father,
  I long desperately to be in Japan. I don't want to be in Midlothian, TX. God, change that. Help me to be content in every situation that I am placed in. Bring me Your peace and Your joy. Change my attitude and allow it to be more like yours. I want people to notice a difference in me so that I can point to You. I can't do that if my attitude sucks. Father--it's not about me. It's not about what I want--it's about being where you want me. Right now, I know that you've called me to be here. So, here I am. Take my life and let it be all for You and for Your glory.

Jet Lag, Prayer, and Blogging

So I know that nearly everyone I know how been "blogging" for a long time, but I'm just now jumping on the band wagon. I've journaled sporadically through youth camps, and mission trips, but in Japan I began to see journaling/blogging in a whole new way. I think it's wise to write down what the Father is showing me because, let's face it, I'm going to make the same mistakes again and again, and it's beautiful to go back and read how He helped me through it then and reassures me that He will help me through it now. I'm not really much of a writer--so you may find yourself often bored if you decided to read my blog, but it's mostly for me, so if you're bored--that's okay. :)

For those of you who don't know, I got back from Tokyo, Japan last Wednesday. It was without a doubt the most incredible life-changing experience of my life. I never realized how spiritually dead I was becoming until God took me to a foreign land where I was way out of my comfort zone so that I had no choice but to listen to him. I had developed a habit of praying three times a day--when I woke up and had my quiet time, when I ate dinner, and before I went to bed. Oh, and the occasional "I want something" prayer. After years of doing this, I had decided that I was an awesome Christian. I mean I was praying THREE (sometimes FOUR) times a day--that meant I was super close to God, right? Boy was I wrong. The Father had to pick me up out of Dallas, Texas and fly me thirteen hours to the other side of the world to make me SIT STILL and listen to HIM. I couldn't believe have self-centered I had become. Not only was my prayer life nearly dead, all my prayers revolved around myself or what I wanted out of life. Never did I once praise Christ for who He is, let alone thank Him for anything. That hit me hard. Who the heck was I to make this life revolve around me? Did I come to save the world? Could I even save myself? I laugh at the thought of that! Thank goodness, the Father was gracious enough to take my to Japan to SCREAM at me so that I could finally quit ignoring Him. I learned in Japan that prayer must be a constant thing. I don't mean sitting in your chair and mumbling to yourself for every second of every day. I mean that God is glorified in us when we call out to Him! Constant prayer--to me anyway--is when you realize that you've been on Facebook for three hours and you haven't done a lick of anything, you turn the computer off and spend sometime with Him. When your driving in your car and you can't find a song on the radio that you like, or even if you can, you just spend some time talking to Jesus, and novel concept--you take the time to hear what He has to say to you. I know for a fact that is where I struggle the most. I want to do all the talking, but most of the time, I need to shut my mouth and listen. When I'm quiet, it's amazing how much God has to say to me. I'm pretty sure he's been trying to say it to me for the last 21 years and I have just chosen not to listen. I get so caught up in my life and what the heck I want out of life and what I want out of my relationships that I forget to call on Him to see what He wants from my life. Praise the Father that He is patient with me and His heart is loving and forgiving. When we call on His name He cannot wait to reveal His glory to us. That is something He definitely showed me Japan. How powerful prayer is and how it is answered in an instant when He wants it to be. It is all about His glory. We are just called to be His hands and feet--He does the work through us. It has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Him. Glory to God!

I know that I just rambled in circles, and if you're still with me, then I applaud you. Another thing that I learned in Japan--well actually when I got home from Japan--is the power jet lag has over the human body! I went four days sleeping only 3-5 hours each day. I would wake up at 3:30 in the AM and want sushi! This was NOT okay with me. On Sunday morning I woke up at 9:54 AM praising the Father for allowing me to sleep! How we forget how wonderful sleep is until we don't get it! I had more to write about jet lag, and now I can't remember what it is. That's okay though.

I want to leave you with a verse that has become very close to my heart. For a while all I knew was the first part, but now that I know the whole thing, I feel like it means so much more to me!
"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10

It blows my mind that Father WILL be exalted in the nations and He WILL be exalted in the earth. Don't forget that Heaven is His thrown and earth is His foot stool--praise and glory be to God for He is Greater and He is Stronger!